Losing My Identity?

I have admittedly been feeling a little lost for a few months now. I retired from 31 years of teaching (mostly first graders) this past spring. It felt like the right timing. So many things have frustrated me in recent years–expectations put on teachers, teaching practices and curriculums that fall short, sometimes difficult parents and unruly students, never ending data documentation and emails, unrealistic expectations, over-assessing, social agendas that don’t always resonate with me, NEVER ENOUGH TIME, and the list goes on. I’ve felt such conflict in my spirit, wanting to be available for family and friends but unable to be there for them because of the busyness of school demands. And so when I qualified for the Rule of 90 retirement benefit (age + years of service = 90), the timing seemed right. But now I’m missing all that I loved about my career–caring for my students, planning and executing creative lessons, seeing the “light bulb” moments, laughing with children and making them laugh, hugs, relationships with colleagues, home visits, working with parents who care, mentoring student teachers, leading my amazing team, and that list goes on as well. Perhaps I retired at the pinnacle of my career. I didn’t slow down or tire out, although I was definitely more tired at the end of the day than I was as a young teacher! So it’s only natural to question my decision. But I think what is really at play here is that I have lost part of my identity. I’ve been a teacher for so long that I don’t know how to be anything else. I can do other things, but who am I?

I invite you to join me in this question. Who are you? Do you ever feel lost? Unseen? Forgotten? Wandering and not sure where to turn or what path to follow? This is where I’ve been. So I have to come back to what I know is unchanging. I know that I am a daughter of the King–King Jesus. He is my rock and He is unchanging. I know that I have an amazing family for whom I am wife, mom, grandmother, sister and daughter. I know that I have friends I can depend on and who are being supportive and encouraging and patient with me during this time of transition. What are your absolutes? Let’s focus on those and live in gratitude for what we know to be true. The uncertainties? Maybe all those things I was as a teacher are still me. I just have to figure out how and where they will play out. And that will likely take time. In the weeks and months to come I will let you in on my journey.

The picture that accompanies this post shows one of my big “why”s for retiring. This is my family. My husband and I have a blended family of six children, all of whom are married but one, and currently eleven grandchildren. The photo was taken at the retirement party my kids and husband planned for me at our home. What a sweet celebration it was. It’s as if they were welcoming me back home from thirty plus years of giving myself to a demanding career and saying, “Job well done. Rest awhile.” I think I will rest in the fact that my identity is in Christ and He will help me figure out the rest.

“Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust. Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.” (Psalm 143:8)