Peek-a-Boo!

I know a little bit about child development because I taught in primary grades for nearly thirty years. Now I have the privilege of seeing childhood milestones reached by my grandchildren. My youngest grandchild turns one this week. He has caught on to the concept of “object permanence”, meaning that if something is hidden he knows it still exists. Prior to achieving this milestone, covering a toy under a blanket makes it completely disappear from existence as far as an infant is concerned. With my grandson, the traditional game of peek-a-boo became exciting fun when he realized my face would reappear, along with an enthusiastic “boo”. He began realizing I hadn’t actually ceased to exist because I hid my face. And when a toy is hidden or he drops something, he knows to look for it. These stages of development are a joy to watch. I believe this concept of permanence plays a role in our spiritual and emotional lives, too, because sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking that things we hide about ourselves don’t exist. But, alas, they are still there–even if hidden.

There are numerous references in the Bible to a divided heart or double-mindedness. (Psalm 86:11, James 4:8, Hosea 10:2 to name a few.) This is a big deal, friends, and it’s so easy to fall into a lifestyle of two opposing realities. On the outside and on the surface, we can look like we have it all together. We are just fine. We appear successful and have all the stuff–nice house and cars, good-looking family, activities and events, vacations… But perhaps there is a dark side–things you’ve been able to keep to yourself and hope no one ever finds out about. Or maybe family strife within the walls of the home are the reality that is hidden from outsiders. Hidden things. In the dark. This is where the enemy exists and lures us into his plans for destruction. He even disguises himself as light at times. (2 Corinthians 11:14) Keeping things in the dark does not mean they don’t exist. And the two realities existing simultaneously create a divided heart. But God sees it all and He knows what is in us. Our creator knows our hearts. So even if we can hide it from others around us, there’s no hiding from the One who is over all.

There was a time that I lived life with a divided heart. I served at church. I read my Bible and prayed. I was a good mom and appeared to be a good wife. I kept up a nice home and willingly opened it up to others. But inside I knew something was not right in my marriage. My will was to live a God-honoring life, but sometimes I felt like a hypocrite because my heart was not fully devoted the One I was serving. I was conflicted. My thought life and the emptiness in my heart were hidden from others for many years.

Sometimes when we try to maintain a double-minded existence, what is hidden in the dark comes out sideways. Suddenly we are exposed. It can be traumatic and devastating–not only for the individual but also for those closest to him or her. I experienced this in my first marriage. My former husband’s confession began a destructive sequence of events and my inner struggles were no longer just in my head and heart. They were exposed. “He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men’s hearts.” (1 Corinthians 4:5) How much better would it have been if, when I began sensing an inner struggle or that something wasn’t right in my marriage, I had sought wisdom from a trusted and more mature believer? What if I had been honest with some close friends and had them praying for and with me? I’ll never know because instead, everything just blew up and my life was turned upside down.

That chapter in my life changed everything. My marriage ended in divorce, which affected my kids–and will in some ways their entire lives. (Hey, kids are resilient but that’s often for the sake of survival and it doesn’t mean they aren’t affected.) All of the ways I had been serving at church were cut off. I ended up leaving that church and lost friends because many didn’t know how to handle my situation. I had to find employment and put my kids in public school and daycare even though I had been a stay-at-home homeschooling mom prior to this. It was complete upheaval. I ended up in a relationship with my current husband before I was spiritually and emotionally healthy. (I know that now because, thankfully, healing has taken place.)

Now, if this is coming across as the most depressing blog post ever, just hang on. Would you believe that today I can say that, although I still struggle with “what ifs” at times, I am extremely thankful for what this low point in my life did for me. Or I guess I should say what God did for me. Sharing the truth of my story brought me to a point of complete surrender to Jesus. He saw me in my mess and with his steadfast love, grace and mercy He not only restored me but He gave me a new, undivided heart. A new beginning. I now live life in the light. I really don’t have anything to hide. What you see is what you get. The freedom in that is absolutely overwhelming. My past is still a reality but I’m not stuck in it. It has shaped some of my tendencies and opinions but it does not rule over me.

Of course I still have my struggles and my weaknesses. We all do. And I don’t think we need to air all of our “dirty laundry” to everyone we encounter. Notice I have not shared every gritty detail about my situation. (Read the room, right?) That’s why I have a dear friend and mentor who prays with me and over me. I need Jesus every day, every hour and every minute. The Lord Jesus is the love of my life and I owe Him everything. He has been so good to me. If you don’t have a trusted, mature believer you can confide in and with whom you can share the hidden things, I encourage you to seek someone out. Pray for the Lord to bring you this person. Be brave and ask someone you have come to trust to be that person for you. If you long to live a life of complete freedom and a deep joy that gives strength even in the most difficult of circumstances, just step into the light. It’s better here. Peek-a-boo! God sees you.